The Broken to Bulletproof Story

“The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light.”  Romans 13:12

I had everything.  No, really – I did.  I had the American dream.  I had the wife, the kids, the house, the cars, the job, the income, the friends, the health, the looks, college education, good reputation, respect.  I HAD it.

And then one day I set off the grenade that blew it all to hell.  (READ THE WHOLE STORY in my book, “Broken to Bulletproof – Becoming God’s True Man” on Amazon.com)

The problem was, it was all a lie.  I had been living a lie for a long, long time.  I had just walked out of a two-hour meeting with my wife.  Her best friend and my best friend were also in attendance for emotional support.  After 22 years of marriage, I had confessed to them that I had been living a secret life that included a long-term addiction to pornography which had led to unfaithfulness along with the serious abuse of alcohol and prescription drugs.  I had outlined every sordid detail of my addictions that I could remember since I was in high school.  It was in a word; brutal.

My wife was devastated.  It was literally as if I had pulled the pin on a grenade and blown up all of our lives.

I was so ashamed of my secret addictions and behaviors that I couldn’t bear to tell anyone.  Over the years, there were brief instances when I had been partially truthful to my brother or to my roommates in college or maybe to a close friend or a pastor…but I was NEVER completely transparent.  It was just way too unbearable.  I had made a vow to myself that there were simply things I had done in my life that NO ONE would ever know, things I would take to the grave.  It felt like, if I told someone, anyone what I had done, what I was STILL struggling with…I would die.  The pain of shame was overwhelming and I had become a slave to it.

When I finally hit rock bottom and reached out for help, God was there. The voice of God can penetrate a heart regardless of circumstance. I know because my heart was filled with so much darkness, I thought I would never hear him again, but I did.

As I drove away from that meeting, headed back up to the mountains to the hotel room I was staying in, she sent me a text.  It read this:

 “I have never been more proud of you as a man than I am today.  Thank you for having the courage to give me the truth.”

While I knew I still had a very long, painful road ahead of me and I had no idea what it would look like (divorce was still a very real possibility), God had given me the courage I needed to tell the truth, to be vulnerable, to be transparent.  It was the greatest leap of faith I had ever made in my life.

God showed up again as I was driving the dark, winding mountain road back to the hotel where I was staying (I had been out of the house for several days).  This time he would show up with words I desperately needed to hear.  I was feeling like I had made a terrible mistake as I tried to navigate the mountain road through teary, swollen eyes.  I knew I had now set in motion something that could not be reversed and I had no idea what it meant for my life going forward.  I had an empty pit in my stomach and I was scared.

I knew I had crushed my wife’s heart, shattered all her dreams and there was nothing I could do about it.  I wanted to drink so badly, but drinking was part of what had gotten me in this mess.  I pounded on the steering wheel and tried to keep my SUV between the lines.  What had I just done?

I cried out to God…

“Jesus!  What will I do now?  I just crushed my wife’s heart!  She is going to divorce me!  I don’t know how to live life without her!  Without my kids!  Please help me!”

Silence.  Just the road noise of my vehicle, my breathing, my pulse pounding in my head.  I began to sob…again.  My life had been reduced to a vale of tears.

I don’t want to sound wacky and this is not an everyday occurrence for me, but I am familiar with “hearing” the voice of God.  I’ve experienced him before, so I know what it’s like when I’m in his presence.  But this was different.

I heard what I can only call “the voice”.  It wasn’t exactly audible, but at the same time it seemed as if it was inside the cabin of my SUV with me.

“You are now like a clear sheet of glass.”

A clear sheet of glass.  My life had been so dark, so full of lies and deceit.  I had been wearing a mask for most of my life, pretending to be someone and something I was not.  It was as if my confession had wiped the slate clean.  I understood that, but I didn’t like it.  I yelled back to the voice…

“I don’t want to be a sheet of glass!  Glass breaks and I don’t want to break anymore!”

I pounded on the steering wheel and screamed it out loud and I meant it.  I felt broken beyond repair and had no interest in ever experiencing that kind of pain again. I thought about drinking again…that would stop this pain.

The voice spoke again…

“As long as you keep telling the truth, you will be a clear sheet of BULLETPROOF GLASS.”

Bulletproof glass.  That’s good.  I liked that.  It was an unbreakable symbol I could hang on to.  A symbol of strength, protection.   It’s transparent so that light shines through.  Nothing is hidden, but all is safe behind bulletproof glass.  It is like armor of light for my heart, my soul.

A verse came to mind… “The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light.”  Romans 13:12

Hope.

This imagery from God gave me hope in a desperate time of hopelessness.  The thought that God would use my vulnerability to create a shield of transparent protection from the spiritual and emotional pain I was suffering gave me tremendous hope.

A new confidence rose up in my heart, a realization that my life was set on a new course now. Even though I had no idea where it would take me, this idea of living my life with transparency, authenticity…this was an exciting new proposition. Suddenly, long-forgotten verses from the Bible came flooding to mind with new meaning…

“To gain your life, you must lose it.”

“My power is made perfect in your weakness.”

I made the rest of the trip up the mountain with a hope-filled heart so grateful it overcame the fear that had engulfed me.  I felt a shield around it that was impenetrable. That night, God met me in my very deepest despair and gave me a new heart, not of stone, but of flesh…and now protected by bulletproof glass. It was a new beginning with a new way to live life, a path away from the brokenness and heartbreak into a life of transparency, authenticity, a new-found freedom to be who God made me.

Here’s what I can tell you about my experience.  I used to be mastered by addictions and lived a duplicitous life to cover my actions.  I lied perpetually, manipulated, deceived others, especially ones I loved and valued, in order to satisfy my own selfish desires. My marriage was on the brink of ruin.  I lost everything financially.  I compromised my health.  I broke trust with almost everyone I cared for.  I destroyed my reputation.  I lost valuable friendships.  I had legal troubles.  Life was so dark for me that I reached a point where I contemplated death and even hoped for it.  I can’t imagine life being any darker.

Because I was willing to trust God enough to finally tell the truth, I was set free.  Because I was willing to risk my heart by being completely vulnerable – to LOSE my life, I was GIVEN life back.  Because I was willing to finally die to myself, my own strategies, my own striving and become WEAK, God showed his power in me.  It is a fascinating experience of opposites that God calls us into to experience his power and glory.

For me, this was the beginning of God’s redemptive journey – from being completely BROKEN…to Bulletproof.