Quitting Porn is NOT the Goal

Quitting Porn is NOT the Goal

Your porn addiction isn’t your problem.  It’s actually the solution.   At least it is what you have been pursuing as the solution to your problem.  If you’re addicted to porn (or anything else – alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, food, etc.), acting out with the behavior or stopping the use of the substance is really not the problem.  That sounds crazy, right?

I tell the men that I sponsor and work with all the time, “NOT looking at porn is NOT the goal of your recovery.”  They always get this glazed-over look in their eyes.  “Uhhhh…wut?”

You don’t have a porn problem.  You have an intimacy problem.

Every person on this planet was created and wired for intimacy with others and with God.  If you’re struggling looking at porn, what your SOUL is really craving is the legitimate, God-given need for intimacy. 

Intimacy = “INTO-ME-USEE”

Being fully known by another human being and by God is one of our very deepest emotional and spiritual needs.  God made us with that desire…and it is a GOOD and legitimate desire.  We all want to have intimacy with others…and not necessarily in a physical/sexual way either.  We desire intimacy – rich, honest relationships with our parents, family members, spouse, friends and co-workers.  We want to know them fully…and to be known by them.  Aren’t those the richest, most valuable relationships you have in your life?  That’s because those relationships are the fulfillment of the deep desire for intimacy we are all created with.

The problem, for us addicts at least, is that we’ve learned to pursue intimacy (a legitimate need) in an illegitimate way through pornography, masturbation or easy sex.  But these things are only imposters that deliver the illusion of intimacy.  They are counterfeit, physical solutions to a legitimate spiritual problem.  But that’s the best our enemy can come up with…a cheap substitute.  He can’t create anything so he twists and mangles the beautiful things God has created for us and uses them to fulfill his mission: steal, kill, destroy.  (John 10:10)

You can tell these solutions are counterfeits because of the fruit they bear: negative consequences and shame…things that serve as a whole new trigger, likely sending you right back into the addiction cycle!  Which one of us ever got done looking at porn and masturbating and jumped to his feet and shouted praises to God in joyful worship?  “Whooooooo-hoooo!  That was awesome!  Thank you God!”

Yeah.  That’s what I thought.  NOBODY.

Saying “NO” to porn is not the goal of your recovery.  Finding the legitimate fulfillment of your need for intimacy is the goal.  The solution is not in learning to say “NO” to porn, but in learning to say “YES” to the desire and pursue it in a legitimate, God-honoring way.  We want to EXCHANGE the pursuit of lesser things (physical counterfeits) for the pursuit of greater things (connecting spiritually with God).  That might sound tough to you.  So how do we do it?

Pursue Intimacy with GOD

There are probably thousands of legitimate ways to do this and each of us will find ways that work better for us than for others.  There are no rules for this other than making sure what you are doing actually connects you with God.  If you’re not used to experiencing intimacy with your Creator, it can take some experimenting, but the secret to recovering from addiction is found here…because it is actually the secret to becoming the man God has always intended for you to be.

…it is actually the secret to becoming the man God has always intended for you to be.

You’re looking for really anything that you can do or engage your body/mind/heart in, that allows you to experience the presence of God.  Here’s a short list to get you started…

• Reading God’s word
• Reading or listening to an inspirational book
• Listening to worship music
• Attending a recovery or community group meeting
• Meeting with your sponsor one-on-one
• Writing a poem or song (if you’re creative)
• Sitting silently in nature
• Going for a hike
• Praying
• Meditating on scripture
• Attending a church or worship service
• Playing a musical instrument
• Going for a drive in the mountains
• Watching the sunrise or sunset
• Walking on the beach
• Listening to a sermon or podcast

For me, I used to have a “MENU” if you will, of things I could do to soothe my emotional/spiritual pain when I started feeling bad:  porn, sex, pills, alcohol, food, etc.  Now I have a NEW MENU of things I can do to make myself feel better that looks a lot like what I listed above.  I needed to EXCHANGE the OLD MENU with this new one to find freedom from my addictions. 

You can do the same.  Work to create a list of ways that help you to consistently connect with God and press into them.  Make them a part of the daily rhythm of your life and don’t go a day without.  We need God every minute.  Like my friend Mike likes to say, “breath-by-breath, moment-by-moment dependency on the Lord.”  Paul tells us in I Thessalonians 5:17 to “pray without ceasing.”  Jesus tells us in John 15 to “abide” in him always like a branch stays connected to the vine.  Find ways to stay connected to God EVERY DAY, EVERY MOMENT.  Once you’ve made a habit of some of these things, connecting with God will become easier and easier…almost like eating a meal….or even breathing.  You learn to do it without even thinking about it.

Pursue Intimacy with OTHERS

This one is easier.  Got some good, godly friends you like and trust?  Hang out with them.   Spend time talking with them. Just BE with them.  “DO” life with them.  Get to know them and let them get to know you.  Be brutally honest…about EVERYTHING with them and give them the dignity and space to do the same with you.  This is what our groups are  designed to accomplish.  This is what CHURCH should be like.  If your church ISN’T like this…LEAVE IT and find one that is.  If you don’t have some good, godly friends you like and trust, get some FAST.  Isolation is from the enemy. These kinds of relationships are from God…and a key component to addiction recovery.

Experiencing God through community is absolutely critical to addiction recovery.  We can’t do this alone.  We need mature, godly friends we can trust and count on to help us on the journey and to be strong for us when we aren’t.  Remember Step ONE in the 12 Steps, “Admitted we were powerless over our addiction…”  We NEED each other.  If you’re struggling with addiction and you think you can do this on your own…sorry (not sorry)…you’re just wrong.  But you are welcome to go ahead and give it a shot and see how it works out.  We’ll be here for you when you get done.

One of the best and most effective things you can do to begin loosening the shackles of any addiction is to LEARN (read: “teach yourself”) how to call a trusted friend when you start FEELING that pull to act out or medicate with a substance.  Remember, what you’re feeling is the legitimate need for intimacy.  When you’re triggered by an emotional/spiritual force like anger, fear, sadness, loneliness, shame, etc. and you feel that desire to act out or medicate – PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL A FRIEND.  Better yet, call three or four friends and tell them what is going on.  Let them into your life.  Intimacy is the goal…“INTO-ME-USEE.”

When we can have an honest talk with a trusted friend in moments like these, we’re actually connecting with God THROUGH our friend.  The most trusted, valuable friends will take your call, listen to how you’re feeling and speak God’s words of life over you and hopefully pray with you.  That’s what my best friends do for me.  That’s what true intimacy with another man really looks like.

Do something good for yourself in those moments when you start feeling “weird” – you know that feeling I’m talking about.  Bless yourself by connecting with God – either by doing one of the things listed above or by calling a friend…or BOTH.  If you’ll start making it a habit, I promise you, those feelings will dissipate and you’ll experience more and more freedom from your addiction.  You don’t have to be a slave to it any more.

“Whom the Son sets FREE is FREE indeed!” – John 8:36